It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new.
But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful.
There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.
Alan Cohen
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx
The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.

Monday, May 23, 2016


I lost my Mom recently.
That laughing girl who danced to radio songs, instead of doing the ironing.
That clever girl who took me to the movies during the week instead of doing "chores"..
That loving grandmother who had photos of her grandchildren on every surface in her home.
She and I didn't get along a lot of times but in the early days, it was just Mom and I.
We / she, managed to find a nice life for us .. in a nice place .. I had a good childhood, no hint that everyone else was not as happy as I was.
When I left home to be an adult, she and my step dad divorced.
She worked full time for the first time in her life.
She was very good at it.
She moved to Florida from the NorthEast and made a life down here. She had friends and family who loved her, nearby and far away.
And then her heart, that poor tired heart that had suffered through childhood fevers and been damaged, just didn't want to work anymore.
I am glad I saw her while she was alive. I am so glad that she recognized me and said my name.
I am so sad that she is gone.
She would have loved where I am living.
She would have been able to stay here with me.
She would have loved my cats.
They would have adored her.
All those scenarios that ran through my head as I was driving South from NY .. mom and I shopping, mom with Minette and Merlin , mom and I just talking , mom giving me a hug and a kiss.
None of them happened. We were cheated out of that time.
I am sad all the time.
I love my daughter to bits and my grandson. They keep things cheerful and bring laughs.
But there is always that empty spot there where I thought Mom would be.
To top this off ... 2 friends for reasons of their own, decided to disown me ... online friends so I guess they thought of me as disposable.
A loss of friends ... it can take you by surprise as well as the sadness of it being a shock.
If that was what they wanted, fine but after years of contact and gifts and photos,  you would think a friendship like that would deserve more than just a total cutoff of contact.
I guess on my end it was friendship.. on theirs it was them wasting some time.
Happily they are finished with me as I have a new life to begin and new friends and people to fill it with.
But I sure do miss Mom.


  1. I know how you feel. I just lost my mom, very unexpectedly even though she was 90. We knew my dad was dying--cancer, kidney failure--but my mom seemed fine. She surfed the Internet and did geneaology research. Totally cool. But she died suddenly, three weeks after my dad. Too much too fast. It was just her birthday. My dad's birthday is around the corner. Too many firsts without them. I started blogging just to fill the void of not being able to send her emails. 90% of my posts are really just letters to her. A terrible loss. I feel your pain.

  2. I am glad that blogging serves as an outlet , you can talk to them .. My husband wanted me to write a book. I said I just couldn't dedicate my time to that kind of work/writing.
    So I started the blog.
    My mother wanted me to write a book :)

  3. Candice - you have a gift that not everyone has. You are able to open up and share your feelings with everyone.
    The best to you and your little darlings


  4. Thank you Madison. A gift is also that there are kind people who contact me and comfort me with their thoughts and ideas.

    1. You have earned the support of many kind people. I can't imagine why anyone would be mean to you, their loss. Best wishes to you, your family and the kitties as you build a new life in Florida.

  5. Anony, it was the mean spirited spitefulness of the "friends" which was shocking... a smug childish tone to my query as to what happened to make these people who had been friends for a long time, suddenly stop having any contact and being vile when asked if there was something wrong.
    What was wrong was my choice of "friends" ... as mom would say, good riddance to bad rubbish.

  6. And then to make the day brighter ... I got an email from a friend, at the airport, on her way home. . from Istanbul. But she still stopped to send me a sweet note.
    My choices in friends are not always as lousy as this one was.

  7. My dad died three months ago, after being diagnosed 5 weeks earlier with an aggressive cancer. I find myself wanting to reach for the phone to talk to him, especially as there has been a lot of change in my life since he died. My brother and sister in law are moving overseas and have been wrapped up in their own lives, and so now I feel more alone than I have ever felt in my life. Luckily I have a couple of friends who are always there , but I feel his loss deeply.

    I was lucky and got to be with him on his last day, to hold his hand and tell him I loved him.Like you I take solace in that.

    Julie Q


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