It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new.
But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful.
There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.
Alan Cohen
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx
The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.

Monday, January 29, 2018

We Will See

You know that saying ... "With friends like these, who needs enemies ?"

I was thinking about that yesterday when I was cleaning out the computer ... spam and its like .. like old emails from people who were once on a friendly basis .. who called themselves my friends .. until they weren't.

One had a nice life, husband , house proud as all get out and 2 kids. One good and one a troublesome type.
Over the years I heard the stories of how one made something of her life, left home and went as far as she could from the parents and brother ..
I have not looked in a long time but I am sure she made something of herself ..
The boy .. a problem .. spoiled .. troubles with drugs and the law and parents who spoiled him then couldn't understand why he was such a problem.

Of course, one day I suggested something in response to yet another sad email .. the something I suggested was Common Sense, not personal or insensitive .. it was sent with affection and hope to make her feel better.
Her response was bitter, hateful and obviously, she was not the friend I thought she was ...
That was the end of her.

Then there were the two people who were all over me for years, how exciting to live in Argentina ! People want to know you !
Then we came back from Buenos Aires, my husband died suddenly, "friends" were all over me/emails daily with advice ( much of it very much appreciated ) and much of it just a pat on the back or a virtual hand to hold .. considering I lived all alone in a country setting with only a couple of neighbors to know if I was still alive ! Emails and online pals were a good thing.

But like all people ( I guess, although I have friends still from high school) these "friends" would still write but not as often, which was fine .. but then they just stopped.
I would send a note, checking to see if all was well.
Sometimes an answer, then silence.

Imagine when the one who had spent years crying about her drug addict child .. said she didn't want to hear from me anymore .. I was  too sad.

Imagine the surprise when the 2 people who had been there for me all the time, sent me real gifts in the real mail and suddenly .. the she of the two .. sent a really cold email that "they" didn't want to email with me anymore .. apparently .. I was too sad for them, I don't really know, they never even gave me the courtesy of having been friends for years, at least telling me why they were *together* in telling me they no longer wanted to email.

And then there is the girl from New York.
A smart, kind, funny girl .. who just came to my house one day and asked me if she could walk with me when I take my afternoon walk. ( I made a point of taking a long walk up the hill to the farm and petting the horse and talking to the sheep ...I was so very alone ) and now out of nowhere, this young woman asks if she can take a walk with me.
And that is how it started ... we became friends .. She married the son of the man who owns the farm.
She now has babies ..beautiful blue eyed boys ..

 I thanked her in the past for this and that .. acknowledged how much her kindness meant to me.
But I need to say it again, whether she reads this or not, let someone else know and hopefully remember how much your small acts of kindness mean.

I will tell you this also ... when I asked about the silence from the two people who I thought were friends, I was told in a snarky, b*tchy way that they just didn't want to hear from me.
No real reason, no real excuse ... just ending years of emails and laughter with a stab in the heart.

I am living in a private community, it is hard to make friends with people here because they go from home to car in garage and out ..the gates close behind us .. no one walks ..
so while I am safe and protected , I am isolated and alone.
My daughter has been a dream daughter, I wish everyone with a daughter that you have one like mine.

So of course, thoughts of returning to where I was happy, where I have friends and family are in my mind all the time now.
We will see what happens .. where Time and Fate lead me ...


TexasTrailerParkTrash said...

I recently read an article about Joe Biden where he said the second year after someone dies is harder than the first. During the first year everyone is sympathetic and there for you, but by the second year they've moved on with their lives and you are left alone to deal with it. And often they think you should be "over it" by then, but grief knows no time table.

NotesFromAbroad said...

Ih that is so true ! And the sad part is that people you had thought of as friends for years, suddenly have no reluctance in saying rude things about moving on or just generally being ugly .. I lost my husband , months later my mother died .. and yet people get irritated when I am sad or mention anything .. I don't even have to mention anything, they just say mean things.
"They" being the ex friends I had ... I would rather have no friends that people like that around me.


TexasTrailerParkTrash said...

When my first husband and I got divorced, most of our friends had been his friends first, from high school and college. So they disappeared. I never really have had close girl friends as an adult. I have one Democrat friend here in town who I see maybe once a month for lunch so we can vent to keep our sanity, but that's it. I see women at my gym that I've gotten to know in my Zumba class, but not socially. One woman, who I thought I could get to know better and who I thought was more open-minded, was reading my blog (unbeknownst to me) and sent me a scathing email because I jokingly called Texas the Lone Brain Cell State, which offended her. Stupidly, I was all apologetic, but now it just makes me mad that she would take me to task for something she just could have ignored. I wasn't forcing her to read my blog. So much for that potential relationship.

NotesFromAbroad said...

Texas, if it hadn't been about a blog, it would have been about something else.
Some people are just nuts and petty and she certainly sounds like nothing to miss.
The Lone Brain Cell state is funny btw.
I have relatives in Texas, they will laugh at that .

sillygirl said...

Yes, "friends" come and go and sooner or later there is the proof of the pudding. One "friend" I met on a trip and I knew she was a bit different but I made the effort. We saw each other occasionally until one time I called and she quickly said she couldn't or didn't want to talk to me - and never called back - and I had been the one bending over backwards for her! It made me laugh since I no longer had to put forth an effort. I know I am a good friend - but now I require 50% of effort on their part to stay friends - that weeded out quite a few. I also don't want "friends" who are that only as long as it is convenient for them. If they can't stay the course they are acquaintances, not friends. I am worth the effort and so are you. I enjoy your writing and your truth in your blog and I like your sense of humor at yourself. Good friends are few - acquaintances are many. There are more "gems" that will come your way.

Jan B said...

Most volunteers find a sense of community and peace and eventually purpose when they give their time to help others. You could read to children at a local public school or be a mentor to a teen. You could help out at the humane society or even do "Meals on Wheels" for the needy elderly. You will be amazed how your troubles and loneliness melt away when you make someone else a little better. Been there done that...It helps!

NotesFromAbroad said...

sillygirl ... ( btw-this is what I call the cat that I inherited when she gets all goofy and silly .. I adore this cat)
Yes, your story rings very true and very like what has happened to the people / "friendships" that I thought I had ...
Someone wise told me one day not long ago ...People come along and they are attracted to someone (me) for a reason .. sometimes obvious, sometimes they have a need that they think you can fill.
Obviously, friends in person rather than online are easier to cope with and therefore I think harder to deal with, especially when they are dissatisfied with the relationship.
1 of mine was having a horrible marriage, walked out on her husband , kept herself company by emailing and getting support ..Then when she was obviously satisfied with her new life, she dumped her old friends and showed her true self .. so in a lot of ways, when "friends " dump you, they are doing you a big favor.
One friend had a family situation that was terrible and she told me everything about it ..crying on my shoulder, getting tons of sympathy.
But I am one of those possibly mistaken people, who think when you tell me all your troubles, you expect answers or at least my thoughts on the situation..Otherwise, why tell me ?
So as careful as I was, the friend took offense and I think a lot of it was because The Truth Hurt, even though I was totally clueless as to the idea that it would be hurtful, it was meant to be helpful.
But in this case, it is not the Thought that counts :)
Forget them, go on and be happy and they will fade into old memories of people you once knew ... nothing that special about them .. better have come along .

NotesFromAbroad said...

JanB , thank you, I have volunteered for years ... and you are right, it is very satisfying.

Linda said...

HI Candice...
Sorry if I haven't stopped by lately...
New Granddaughter is doing better, but boyfriend and I are stricken with a hideous illness for the past week...seeing the Dr tomorrow...
Florida the week after...hope we can stop coughing by then!!
Lots of snow again...need to get my feet in the sand...
Take care...glad your computer glitches are fixed...
Linda :o)
ps...true friends are far and few between...I too have learned the hard way...

CD F said...

Oh Linda, I am so sorry everyone is so sick ! And the baby is getting better so things are looking up !
I think I will just appreciate the friends I have, online and one or two in RL and when I get settled wherever I want to end up ... I hopefully will settle in with a nice life and real friends again.
muchas besas mi amigas ..

Fat Dormouse said...

You might find this helpful:

Maybe those friends who have left you (though not at all in a nice way!) are the "reason" friends? I don't know... I suppose it's hard, but you have to let friends like this go.

Take care. God bless x

CD F said...

Thank you Dormouse, I will look at that today :)

sillygirl said...

When I need a friend to listen to my woes I want someone who I feel will hear me - not over-sympathize and not give me advice - my husband does enough of that - the advice I mean! I just need to be heard and know I have been heard. I have been trying to also be that kind of friend - something I have to work on. When someone gives me advice I know I haven't fully been listened to. Does that happen for all of you writing in, too?

NotesFromAbroad said...

Silly Girl, I am sorry I did not say the words Thank You when I responded to your Thank You.

sillygirl said...

You are more than welcome! It is difficult presenting the right tone in written words, isn't it. I'm sure we would be more successful in person - a thing that young people that only tweet or instant message don't seem to understand. Wouldn't it be fun to be able to transport ourselves easily to another place to do that!

NotesFromAbroad said...

Total fun ! :)

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