It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new.
But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful.
There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.
Alan Cohen
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx
The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Love .. Loss .. Starting Again ...Hope

Dashed hopes, sad endings, angry words, regrets ... awful things aren't they ?
And top that list with the word Loss.

Long story short ... We moved back to the US from Buenos Aires, after living in Argentina for years, it didn't take long to adjust to being back in the States.
We found a house in NY State and moved in and looked forward to all those country days and nights .. full moons, meteor showers, snow, autumn leaves ... it was all there to enjoy together.

Then as fate would have it , a couple of months after moving in , a simple medical test ended up causing a problem that no one detected, no one felt anything, it just happened one beautiful Autumn morning, my husband woke me with those words ... I'm dying ... and then he did.

An aneurysm, caused by a blood clot, caused by a test.

In the the blink of an eye, I was a widow.
The man I had loved and lived with since I was 21 years old, gone .
I was in a place I knew no one .. I got lost a few times finding the grocery store .. I quit exploring, I became frightened of getting lost alone.

I heard noises at night, probably deer or raccoons but an acre of dark woods where my house sat was totally different at night .. scary, big, dark.

On weekends my son and his little family would take the long drive up to visit .. I just wanted to talk to a person .. aside from the sweet grocery clerk or lady who cut my hair, when I finally got to that stage of bravery.

I was amazed over and over that winter, which saw something like a snowstorm a week .. total strangers would pull into my driveway and get out with shovels and dig out the walk to the door and the drive.
I spent most days weeping or trying not to weep.
When those kind people showed up at the door, I wept. I am not that strong .. Kindness did me in.

In the spring, I met a young woman who was married to someone that I didn't actually know but I sort of knew his father. It was as if someone thought, this poor widow has had about all she can take, lets send her a sweet girl who will ease her heartache.
And she did.
I didn't see her often but I loved / love that girl as if she were my own...

I sold the house. The young woman went to live with her husband somewhere else, my son and his family remain in NY .

In my grief, I needed a pet .. a cat. Something small and easy to deal with, rather than a dog needing to be walked at night ...
I went to Animalkind in Hudson NY and asked if they had a cat ... they always did when I visited. But this time I wanted one for myself and there were no cats in sight !
The lady at the desk smiled at me and pointed behind me ... and there, stalking me, was this tiny blue kitten. She was checking me out ! Hmmmm, this lady looks like she might be nice ... and so I brought Minette home. She was found in a snowbank, curled up next to her dead mama .. She and I belonged together.

The house, the town, everything seemed a tiny bit easier to cope with. And I had this tiny blue kitten purring on my shoulder at night ... or draped across my neck !

She grew and played and was enchanting and I said to her one day, you need a playmate. More fun than Mama.
So I looked at the Animalkind website and then checked the County Animal Shelter.
And there was his photo ... that cranky frowny faced Himalayan cat .. who is now known as Merlin.
I called, "Is the cat still there?" Yes ... "Hold on to him, I am on my way"
And then Merlin came home with me and upon arrival, got up on the sofa and fell asleep.
He knew he was safe.
He found out soon enough that he also had a little sister. She loved him right away.

They made things better. Just having them in the house with me .. at night everyone curling up and keeping warm together .. the rumbling purr of Merlin, the little soft purr of Minette.

The house was too much for me. Everything broke .. water heater, etc. Someone tried to break into the door to the garage, I had police patrol by my house every night, they would flash their light across the house, I felt like it was a pat on the back, "sleep , we are watching out for you "..

Spring came and it was beautiful .. all that snow certainly did wonders for the lawns. The color of the grass was amazing.
And all I could think about was mowing ... then something else came along and gave me a new worry. Taxes. Good grief that town has high taxes !!!

Now I have money to worry about ..

It was enough .. I liked the house, I would be sort of sad to say goodbye to it, really sad to say goodbye to the neighbors.

In only a few months, someone bought the house.
I scrambled to pack, get a good mover and figure out how, where , when to get out and to my new home.
I was convinced that Florida was the best idea.
It did seem so at the time.
I am proud that I drove, alone with 2 cats  from Upstate NY to Florida.
The cats told me they liked La Quinta Inns ... so did I. Not one was bad .. the La Quinta here in Jax Florida is very nice, we stayed there longest while the househunt went on.

Happily my daughter helped me find this condo , I am renting, I will leave when the lease ends.
I have another kind of home I would rather have and probably in another location.

I did everything alone. No one there to remind me or tell me what to do  ... I managed for the first time in my life to sell a house, pack it up and get a mover and drive to Florida from NY State and settle in here in this condo .
It is very comfortable, very luxurious and pretty safe, it is "gated" ..
It is also quiet which I appreciate and pretty with a pine forest (State Forest) behind me.

But I am not happy here.
Oh yes, I am happy the weather is good ( that hurricane that didn't really hit, damaged my brain though)
My mom died upon my arrival here, I comfort myself with the knowledge that she saw me and knew I was there .. I inherited her cat.
Honey, who will break your back if you try to pick her up.
Honey is huge.HUGE.

I love her. Minette likes her and Merlin always looks surprised when he sees her.
So we all get along fine.

But I miss Home ... New York. I even miss home...Buenos Aires.
So things will change again .. this time on my schedule and according to what I wish for .. no one else has a say in this.
I also miss the few people I was friends with in NY but in Buenos Aires.
Living in a city, in a building for 7 years, you make friends. You miss them when you leave.
I might have to do something about that ... in the near future.

The one thing that came out of this was that I , the girl who went from home to husband so young, is grown up now, mostly. No one can decide for me, I can make my own decisions or take the advice I want .. or not take any of it.
Sadly in a way, it is all about Me now.
Some people might have a problem with that, but they don't matter .. what matters now is Me and the Cats and the Rest of My Life.

Some people like to control others .. some people like to be told what to do.
I like to be helped but you can't tell me what to do ...
So with my new decisions made, my cats and I are going to be here for a little while, maybe another year but there are changes coming.
This time they will be made by me and under my control and what I want.
And whatever the cats tell me to do.

Happy New Year to Everyone.
To my old friends, my blogging friends, my new friends and those who just like to read about other people in other places ... and then there are those who like to think they can keep track of me by reading the blog.
Wouldn't it be funny if I was writing this from Paris ?

Happy New Year ... Thank you to all who read this blog, who comment and who tell me they enjoy it.
I hope you will stick around for the Next Adventures ... they should be interesting ..

I do have to note that I would not be in this posh condo without the help of my daughter, I would not be able to do so many things without the help of my daughter, she even gave me the number of the personal shopper if I need her :)
So Happy New Year and Thank You to  .... my husband used to call her Sabrina Ballerina ..

Until the next time ,  Candice and the cats ..


  1. I'll stick around and I wish you all the best for the New Year.

    1. Mym, you have to stick around or my daughter will get mad at me lol

  2. I look forward to the reading of the continuation of your adventures. Happy, healthy, New Year!

    1. Angie , and I look forward to your comments :)

  3. Thank you Myriam, we have known each other so long ! I would love to meet you lol ...<3 Happy New Year.
    Angie, that is such a nice thing to say ! Thank you and Happy New Year to you too !

  4. Wishing you well for the next chapters of your life. May God hold you (and the cats) in the palm of his hand.

  5. You had been in my thoughts this holiday season anyway...

    Your new revelations explain so much of the anguish you've been experiencing. I really hope you find comfort and peace in this new year.

    Many....perhaps more than you might guess...will be following your blog, and cheering you on!


    1. Thank you Gloria. Welcome to my blog, if you have any questions you can start at the beginning and catch up.
      Although I won't be responsible if you want to go to Buenos Aires after reading here.

  6. And a Special Thanks to my daughter ..

  7. Sounds like you are ready to face the New Year with a renewed outlook for change. I wish 2017 to be everything you want it to be.

    Best wishes.

    1. LOL, thank you Barbara
      Some things we have no control over so I had might as well try to be ready for the new Year...I wish you a Happy one.


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