It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new.
But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful.
There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.
Alan Cohen
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx
The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.

Monday, November 14, 2016

Monday - Learning As I Go

Monday Monday

It is almost one o'clock in the afternoon. I have laundry in the washer, I am afraid to leave the house in case this washer breaks down also and floods the place ... It is brand new and works fine but the trauma of the last break down will probably be with me forever.

The cats are being especially sweet and cute and all that cat lover stuff ..

Honey is huge but she gets around like any small young cat ... she goes from the bed to the top of an armoire ! where she sleeps next to 2 antique teddy bears.
Too sweet for words.

Minette is asleep in the big basket on the kitchen counter. I don't know how it happened, it was always full of fruit or veggies or just there for looks, now it is a nest , complete with soft folded dish towel, for a little cat.

Merlin, God bless him, is curled up on the sofa, sound asleep.
He will remain there until dinner unless I disturb him, move him or a tree falls on the house ... even then I am not sure he would notice.
Then when he does wake up, it is slowly , grudgingly , with a lot of thought given to 1- going back to sleep 2 - finding food  3- eating then going back to sleep.

I don't know- I look back on the past few months and the changes are huge in some ways, comforting in some and confusing in others.

I decided to sell the house in NY and move to Florida because I could not stand one more year, one day ! of being snowed in alone again . I could not bear the thought of not being able to go anywhere, see anyone or have company for weeks at a time. I worried about bills, heat, something breaking down. I moved into that house, my husband died and almost every month, something happened, the boiler broke. Replaced. The washing machine broke. Replaced. Floods too.
The final straw was the Exterminating company that told me I was infested with fleas  ( turns out I was not) so they told me I had to leave with the cats and come back in many hours.
I went back early to find the floors of my home awash with poisonous oil. I slipped and almost fell into the stuff .. I called the company, in tears, they came out right away, apparently whoever did it had no clue what he was doing.
They did a massive ( in the sense of how much there was and how fast they did it ) clean up. Toxic cleanup. The cats and I were sent to a motel.

They did not charge me for anything.

The house sold. Thank you God. The girl that bought it will never have to kill a bug.

That was the sort of final straw, that and the broken door knob on the back door of the garage which is connected to the house/kitchen.

I called the Realtor. I called my son and my daughter. I called the movers.

When I moved in here, I had to have an exterminator .. the washing machine broke mid cycle and flooded the apt .. through the ceilings in the kitchen ..
At least I didn't have to pay for this catastrophe.

I got a new washing machine. But it's too late. I have a fear of washing machines, actually of plumbing. I may never recover.

I am bored and it is lonely here.
So of course, what do I think about all the time ?
Buenos Aires.
A visit would be nice. That would show me what it is like alone and after a couple of years away.
I can't imagine it being that different... every thing I do is different if you think about it.
Since I was a 20 year old girl, I had a husband, a companion in all that I did. Now I don't.
Here or there, that is the same.

So ...

The washer is silent. I hear no dripping sounds. The wash is done. phew.
Minnet is asleep in the mail fruit basket on the counter. Merlin is asleep on the sofa.
Honey is asleep on the armoire.

I will not go back to bed. or lie down on the sofa.
I am going to the store.
or I will drop in on the take out places and just bring home a bunch of stuff and decide what I want to eat tonight.

When you live alone .. you can do that.
Eating whatever you want, from wherever you want, whenever you want .... sleeping in the middle of the bed .... talking to cats anytime ... eating chocolate (Nutella)  on croissants for lunch ...these are things a person can do when living alone.
Somehow, my memories of not doing anything alone are still better but I am learning as I go.

Tuesday ... I go shopping in another part of Jacksonville and pretend I know how to get back home.


  1. Put dogs instead of cats and everything is just about the same here - although I miss my Colette who was my catchild long before McKenzie and Aliah came into our lives. She slept with me, sat in the toilette while I showered, loved water and will sit inside the tub while I waited for the hot water to make it's way upstairs; If I stay late writing she would eventually jump into my desk, and laid, as long as her beautiful body was, across the laptop. I knew better than to remove her from there.

    Then I got married and she became my husband's cat. He adored her, how could he helped himself? The feeling was absolutely mutual, she abandoned me but she knew I would understand. She died two weeks before he did, old age and I knew she would be waiting for him wherever she was. I wrapped her body in my favorite nightgown the one she loved to rub against. We buried her under the big old roses and my life has never be the same.

    If you can - and I mean with 3 catchildren that will required so planning - go down to Buenos Aires. You need that, anyone could see that and longing is never good company. Go, get your tickets and be safe and happy when you get there.


  2. After packing up a house , moving , losing my husband, moving and settling in here , I have quite a few things to deal with before hopping on a plane and going far away without my cats , sadly they should stay home safe and secure.
    This trip will be the one that tells me if a visit will suffice or if I need to call the movers again :)
    It will happen when it happens, as we all learn, You plan and you plan then Life happens.

  3. It's hard to find friends, isn't it? The ones who are eager are probably the ones you're least likely to want.
    We've bought a place in Florida, and this will be our first time staying there for 3 months. Yes, my husband will be there, but I'm a little worried about establishing things to do and finding a friend to do them with.

  4. Marty, yes, it is hard. It used to be easier when my husband was with me, I think he gave me confidence .. he had my back :)
    So you will be down here , that is great. Even if you get bored, it is nicer to be bored with sunshine than snow.
    Where will you be ? I have friends on the Gulf that I am anxious to visit :)

  5. I understand about the boredom. I had the same issue after retirement. The first year was heaven,after that not so much. I started volunteering, getting out of the house, meeting like minded people. I have made some lovely friends. You might find it the same for you. :)

  6. beyondbeige, I have not worked in many years. I had a husband though, we had adventures together .. we had a home together .. we did everything together.
    Florida is boring.
    Living in a city is much easier for meeting people and making friends. I live in Florida ... not a city lol
    All my friends are in Buenos Aires ... I just have to go back there I guess :)


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