It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new.
But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful.
There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.
Alan Cohen
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx
The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.

Thursday, March 3, 2016

A Friend.

My husband and I moved here to Upstate NY and 3 months later he died suddenly.
We had had no time to  meet people, make friends, we were still unpacking !
So I was gifted with the kindness of the neighbors .. strangers .. who quickly became much loved neighbors.
Up to this day, I know if I need someone, if I wonder if anyone is watching out for me, I can pretty much believe that they are the ones.

I was lucky that way.

Then there are those people on the internet that one might call "friends" .. You start out chatting because you were in the same place online, had something in common, and after a year or so, you realized that you thought of them as friends .. not the lady on that  website or that person on the internet.

I started to think of them as friends. Knowing that if I met them in person, I would be so happy, I would be so glad to give them a hug, to show them how much I cared about them, how thankful I was that they were there for me when I needed it the most, when I was so lost and sad and alone.

I am still sad. I am still alone. Not so lost and making plans to leave this place and start (another) new life ... but sadly, I lost those friends.
I don't know how , they were there one minute, then gone. They didn't say goodbye, there was no sign of why ... they are just not there anymore.

I am mostly very sad about this. But a tiny part of me is angry. What was on their minds ?
Why did they befriend me, be nice and email all the time, share confidences?
Because they were just bored ?
Because no one else cared ?
And if there was a good excuse, don't you think a nice person would at least tell me, hint that they were going to be busy , too busy to say hello now and then ?

The lesson to be learned here ... Don't think of the strangers you are in contact with online are your friends. They might be friendly but friends are nice .. all the time ..
Don't wonder why when people seem to care then drop you. Take it for granted that it is not you, it is them. And you know what ? they aren't nice people.

I always thought I was a good friend. When someone had troubles or sadness or needed something, I was there in any way I could be. I guess I was sort of wasted on these people. There will be nicer more honest people in my future and I will give them my friendship and not worry that they will be false or unkind.. but I will also know that You Never Know .. the person who seemed to be such a good person, fooled me. There is someone out there who can probably do it again :)

I got an email the other day.
From my best friend when we were 19.
She called me by our old nicknames for each other.
She asked me questions about this and that- me, my life, the children .. the future. Questions that showed she cared.
After all these years .. that is a Friend.

Oh .. and she still called me by the silly nickname she made up for me all those years ago.

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