It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new.
But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful.
There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.
Alan Cohen
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx
The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

Dear Readers

Today is full of Anxiety.
Some days , even when I am not supposed to be packing, moving, making plans, figuring out Things.. I wake up anxious.
Since my husband died, with no warning, I am anxious very often.
Rudderless, untethered, in the dark ... you can call it whatever you want .. for 40 + years I was with a man who just knew things. He knew how to do everything and what to do and when and who to talk to. He could figure problems, numbers, everything .. In His Head ... right there on the spot. He could give you an answer.
Sometimes, like considering moving to Argentina.. He had been thinking about it way before he mentioned taking a trip there. He had been looking at magazines , we would wander over to Powells Book Store and I would head to Vogue or House Beautiful and he would be looking at Travel Magazines.
So one day , sitting in our apt, looking out at Portland, petting Tate ... he said , how would you like to go to Buenos Aires.
I was surprised, we never spoke of it before. So I started reading the magazines and the more I read the more it appealed to me.
Luckily we had a neighbor who had lost one of his 2 sweet old Labradors and he was all for hosting Tate while we were away.
I worried about that, Tate had never been away from us overnight, he was my baby, a Mama's Boy.
My husband told me he would be fine and I knew he loved Tate too so I listened to him.

We spent 10 days .. 10 fabulous, fascinating, exciting and beautiful days and nights in Buenos Aires.
We made friends ... who are still my friends today.
It only made sense that we should move there and live.
We lived a lovely life and Tate was a happy pup.

When Tate died, a little bit of the light was gone but we were still very happy there.
Then we heard that a new member was expected in the family.
My husband wanted to return Home.

I am so glad he was able to be here for the arrival of that little baby boy.
I am so glad he was so happy in this house, riding around on that damned John Deere.. grinning like a silly boy .. Look Ma ! I'm mowing the lawn !
The man who lectured at Harvard, who sat down and discussed things with all kinds of people whose names you know .. who was mentioned in a book. . getting the biggest kick out of driving a John Deere Lawn mower.

And I sat and watched him and smiled.
I smiled all the time , when he was here. There was no reason not to.

It will be 2 years on October 20 th since he left us. I have lived for almost 2 years with part of my heart missing .. it is time to leave here. To move on. A new location. A new life. New memories to make . New friends and views ..

I am in the beginning stages of packing.
I already want to run away and leave it all behind.
But the cats and I with Bubble wrap will get it all done and thanks to the help of family members.. I should be leaving here in a little less than a month for the South.

I will post if I have time, you know where I am if you want to send an email ...

besitos ... C


  1. It must be very hard for you and to move away from the home you shared must be difficult. But, you have your precious memories and are now embarking on a new adventure ….. your husband would be so proud of your bravery. XXXX

    1. Jacqueline, every room has memories, every piece of furniture .. what is making it harder is the destination .. I have no idea where exactly I am going and what will be there .. But he was brave and I will be also. Thank you for your kind words..

  2. Candace, you're going to do just fine. I remember moving across country with my young son and, as scary as it sounded, I did it by thinking of myself as a strong, brave, independent woman who could do anything I set my mind to. I found that I can handle just about anything, and I have all the faith in the world that you can too. When you leave New York with your kittens, take a deep breath and remind yourself that its just three days out of your life and you'll soon be settled in a new home and starting the next chapter of your life. You got this, girl!

    1. Anony, I wish I had a child with me in a lot of ways .. but I have the cats :)
      I am tired of being strong and brave :(
      And the people I count on to be nice to me, is that so much to ask for ? are cruel and selfish.
      My son is fine, his wife is a dream daughter in law, I am lucky for them.
      The cats and I will be leaving soon.
      There is no stopping that.
      But I am going to head to the West Coast .. I have friends there. Sometimes friends are so much better than family.
      I keep reminding myself ... Buenos Aires is closer to Fl than NY.

  3. Aww, Candace, I'm so sorry there are people letting you down. I've read your posts on that other site from before you left N.Y. to go south, then west, then REALLY south (lol!) and I can't imagine anyone not wanting to be one of your best friends. I know its hard when your life is turned upside down, but as I said above, you're going to do just fine, even though sometimes being strong is overrated. Once you're settled in Florida, you'll look back on what you've accomplished on your own and be pretty darn proud of yourself. And when it comes to family, remember that good friends are the family you picked for yourself.

  4. Thank you Anony, you are right about friends being family you pick. I have been lucky with that.
    Thank you , for the words of encouragement.

  5. Try to stay strong and cry when you feel like it ( now that's an oxymoron). The next few weeks will be the most stressful. You will get through this and end up on the other side- the bright side.

  6. Thank you and all I can say at this point is thank goodness for cats.
    They are not concerned about anything but being cuddled, fed and being able to look out windows.
    I want that life !! :)


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