Today is full of Anxiety.
Some days , even when I am not supposed to be packing, moving, making plans, figuring out Things.. I wake up anxious.
Since my husband died, with no warning, I am anxious very often.
Rudderless, untethered, in the dark ... you can call it whatever you want .. for 40 + years I was with a man who just knew things. He knew how to do everything and what to do and when and who to talk to. He could figure problems, numbers, everything .. In His Head ... right there on the spot. He could give you an answer.
Sometimes, like considering moving to Argentina.. He had been thinking about it way before he mentioned taking a trip there. He had been looking at magazines , we would wander over to Powells Book Store and I would head to Vogue or House Beautiful and he would be looking at Travel Magazines.
So one day , sitting in our apt, looking out at Portland, petting Tate ... he said , how would you like to go to Buenos Aires.
I was surprised, we never spoke of it before. So I started reading the magazines and the more I read the more it appealed to me.
Luckily we had a neighbor who had lost one of his 2 sweet old Labradors and he was all for hosting Tate while we were away.
I worried about that, Tate had never been away from us overnight, he was my baby, a Mama's Boy.
My husband told me he would be fine and I knew he loved Tate too so I listened to him.
We spent 10 days .. 10 fabulous, fascinating, exciting and beautiful days and nights in Buenos Aires.
We made friends ... who are still my friends today.
It only made sense that we should move there and live.
We lived a lovely life and Tate was a happy pup.
When Tate died, a little bit of the light was gone but we were still very happy there.
Then we heard that a new member was expected in the family.
My husband wanted to return Home.
I am so glad he was able to be here for the arrival of that little baby boy.
I am so glad he was so happy in this house, riding around on that damned John Deere.. grinning like a silly boy .. Look Ma ! I'm mowing the lawn !
The man who lectured at Harvard, who sat down and discussed things with all kinds of people whose names you know .. who was mentioned in a book. . getting the biggest kick out of driving a John Deere Lawn mower.
And I sat and watched him and smiled.
I smiled all the time , when he was here. There was no reason not to.
It will be 2 years on October 20 th since he left us. I have lived for almost 2 years with part of my heart missing .. it is time to leave here. To move on. A new location. A new life. New memories to make . New friends and views ..
I am in the beginning stages of packing.
I already want to run away and leave it all behind.
But the cats and I with Bubble wrap will get it all done and thanks to the help of family members.. I should be leaving here in a little less than a month for the South.
I will post if I have time, you know where I am if you want to send an email ...
besitos ... C
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
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