Holidays

Every day is a test. To see if I can make it through the day without breaking down in tears, without having a panic attack and without just sitting here like a lump all day.

And now Christmas is on its way.

I was so excited about being here for the holidays, possibilities of snow, a White Christmas after all those hot sunny Buenos Aires Christmas Days .. decorating like a fiend with a big tree and lights and wreaths .. a real New England Christmas.
Complete with children visiting and a wee baby to spoil.
Oh the toys that baby will get !
Oh the loving and holding and kissing that baby will get.
But as nice and happy and loving as it all is, there is this Missing. This empty spot, this hole in my life.

So I bought a tiny tree and I will wrap it in lights and ribbons and put it in the window.
We will probably get a really big tree,   but this one was just so cute .. it reminds me of the book I read as a child .. The Littlest Christmas Tree.

So I will go forth tomorrow with Holiday cheer dragged in from somewhere and I will look in shop windows and I will plan feasts and baked goodies .. and I might even hum a Christmas tune.

In the neighborhood

I guess you could assume that I live among the cows and sheep. They do live up the hill, but there are so many more wonderful places where other creatures live and I am going to visit them soon. 

The Hancock Quaker Village is about half an hour from me. I can see the Round House, where they meet for prayer. I can see the amazing furniture that they still make, the same way they have always made it.

I can see the quilts that might cost a pretty penny but look at them ! they are priceless. Made by hand, the same way they have always made them. Works of art, really.

They raise their own animals, they shear the sheep for wool and for our enjoyment too, I think.

and there are artists who record it all in paintings for their museum.

I am headed over there this week. When I am sure there is no ice on the road, going there is a bit of a little mountain climb from my house. While I am  getting used to doing things alone and on my own, getting stuck in snow or ice in mountains is not on my list of Things To Do.

Change

I have been looking through my photos,  back when Pup was with us and we were living in Argentina...  .

  I have looked at the photos of the days   when my husband and I walked the city, the neighborhoods and I took hundreds of photos all the time, recording the sights that I knew then, would be far away and just memories.

The photo above is the building on my street. 

These were my neighbors.

The photo below is the house on my street. 

These are my neighbors.

My life has changed so much, so drastically,.. even the neighbors are so very different.
 They say Change is good ... my life has certainly changed ...

I will be back

On one of our last drives around the countryside, doing our exploring , we found this park.
We wandered along the paths, mowed through high  grass, coming upon old benches under big trees to sit and enjoy views, listen to the geese and other creatures here and there, and look  at the mountains in the distance.

It was so peaceful and beautiful and while of course, there was no foreboding or knowing what was about to come, we were both very soothed and felt quiet and peaceful after being here.

I try to hang on to that feeling, how it made me feel, I try to pretend he is still there .. waiting for me.
Or at least, still beside me..

This week I will have company and will not be alone , as I am not alone now, there is a tiny visitor and his mama with me and his daddy will arrive tomorrow and we will be a little family, missing an important part but we are still here and loving each other and taking comfort from that.

I hoped my daughter would be able to come but maybe for Christmas, that will be good too.

I can't really post blogs right now, it is too difficult still.
But I wanted to say that I am fine, Thank you for the notes and the good wishes and all the  love that is sent to me .. thank you.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving , I will be back soon.