I guess it all started a while back but this Christmas is when it all just came together, for me.
After my husband died, my son and his family would drive for hours to come visit me every weekend.
On holidays like Christmas and birthdays , sometimes it was rough on them, sometimes they just stayed home, the drive would be too much for everyone.
Especially a wee little boy who would be strapped in a seat alone in the back where he would scream for the entire trip.
Making a visit to Grandma's house , lower and lower on the Happy Scale.
It made me very sad, but I also understood .. the clenched jaw, strained look of the daddy, the stunned look of the mama who was not sure what to do to make that child stop screaming ... you can only prepare food and shovel it in so fast ...
Then he would nap and everyone would chat , quietly .. very quietly ... we would eat then they would go home.
It was not satisfying for anyone.
But I knew they cared, I knew how hard it was to leave their home for a day when they only had 2 days to get so many things done. The thought, certainly did count.
I miss seeing them. I miss that little boy. I miss that big boy ! They will be taking a big trip in the near future, a far away land .. no, not Florida ... farther ... much farther.
I have settled in here .
The cats love it.
I am comfortable. There are no complaints, really, other than the total and utter isolation.
But ....Christmas was the worst of my life ... well, the Christmas when my husband died was the worst, but even then, my son and family drove up to visit and to help me and to be there ... to spend some time with Mom.
They can't drive down to visit now, they would have to fly .. but they call and we do the iChat thing.
Yes, I am fluent in computer techie talk .. we did the iChat thing and it was mostly satisfying, if you don't count the longing to hold that baby .. get a real kiss instead of making kissy noises to the computer.
No wonder cats think humans are idiots.
So here, alone for the first Christmas since ... well, I can't remember being alone for Christmas before... sitting with the cats .. no tree, no presents, no laughter and music .. a short visit at night by my daughter ..
I tried the music but it depressed me more. The cats went upstairs to bed .. it was a Christmas I hope to forget but it is also a Christmas that taught me something.
I am alone. I can't count on anyone else, really.
It is nice to think someone is there if you need them but then something comes along and you find out ... they aren't there ..when you needed them, they were not there ..or they were so unkind and such jerks, that you don't want them there ... ever.
So the end of the story is ... I am looking at real estate ... elsewhere.
For myself, the cats and no one else.
And there is no interest in an opinion from anyone else either.
My husband used to say .... " they had their chance and they blew it " .... but when he said it, he made me laugh, it would be a joke .. it would be about something silly.
But today, I am saying it with all seriousness.
To be continued ......
On The Road Again en Francais