It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new.
But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful.
There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.
Alan Cohen
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx
The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.

Monday, February 13, 2017

On the Road Again ....

I guess it all started a while back but this Christmas is when it all just came together, for me.
After my husband died, my son and his family would drive for hours to come visit me every weekend.
On holidays like Christmas and birthdays , sometimes it was rough on them, sometimes they just stayed home, the drive would be too much for everyone.
Especially a wee little boy who would be strapped in a seat alone in the back where he would scream for the entire trip.
Making a visit to Grandma's house , lower and lower on the Happy Scale.

It made me very sad, but I also understood .. the clenched jaw, strained look of the daddy, the stunned look of the mama who was not sure what to do   to make that child stop screaming ... you can only prepare food and shovel it in so fast ...
Then he would nap and everyone would chat , quietly .. very quietly ... we would eat then they would go home.
It was not satisfying for anyone.

But I knew they cared, I knew how hard it was to leave their home for a day when they only had 2 days to get so many things done. The thought, certainly did count.

I miss seeing them. I miss that little boy. I miss that big boy ! They will be taking a big trip in the near future, a far away land .. no, not Florida ... farther ... much farther.

I have settled in here .
The cats love it.
I am comfortable. There are no complaints, really, other than the total and utter isolation.

But ....Christmas was the worst of my life ... well, the Christmas when my husband died was the worst, but  even then, my son and family drove up to visit and to help me and to be there ... to spend some time with Mom.
They can't drive down to visit now, they would have to fly .. but they call and we do the iChat thing.
Yes, I am fluent  in  computer techie talk ..  we did the iChat thing and it was mostly satisfying, if you don't count the longing to hold that baby .. get a real kiss instead of making kissy noises to the computer.
No wonder cats think humans are idiots.

So here, alone for the first Christmas since ... well, I can't remember being alone for Christmas before... sitting with the cats .. no tree, no presents, no laughter and music .. a short visit at night by my daughter ..
I tried the music but it depressed me more. The cats went upstairs to bed .. it was a Christmas I hope to forget but it is also a Christmas that taught me something.

I am alone. I can't count on anyone else, really.
It is nice to think someone is there if you need them but then something comes along and you find out ... they aren't there ..when you needed them, they were not there ..or they were so unkind and such jerks, that you don't want them there ... ever.

So the end of the story is ...  I am looking at real estate ... elsewhere.
For myself, the cats and no one else.
And there is no interest in an opinion from anyone else either.
My husband used to say .... " they had their chance and they blew it " ....  but when he said it, he made me laugh, it would be a joke .. it would be about something silly.
But today, I am saying it with all seriousness.

To be continued ......

On The Road Again en Francais


  1. Somewhere there is the perfect little house for you and the cats, with lovely neighbours, who care but don't interfere, and a room or two for visitors, especially ones who might being going far away.
    I know it is there somewhere for you, I really hope you find it!

  2. Thank you dearling .. yes, the place is there waiting. We will find it.

  3. I'm new here over from Mary Moon's blog. I have spent the last 20 minutes or so reading your old posts and you have a beautiful way with words. I would like to say that I am sorry for the loss of your husband. My mom died 5 1/2 years ago and my dad really hasn't been the same since. He hasn't cut his hair or shaved since she died. He walks around in sweatpants. My mom would be spinning in her grave! I laugh and joke about it but really it's just sad. They had bought a vacant lot years ago with plans of building a cabin and retiring there. Now my dad just goes alone. It doesn't seem fair. He, like you, got ripped off of the best years of his life. My mom was only 65. It wasn't supposed to turn out that way.
    I have started following your blog. These days I'm not really blogging. Just taking a break. But I will continue to follow you.

  4. I can't imagine how hard this is for you, to lose your husband, sell your house, and move a thousand miles away, only to realize it's the wrong move. I know you will find the right place for you. Give it lots of thought! It's out there.

  5. Thank you Bella..
    I knew I was taking a chance, there were possibilities of it being a mistake but I wanted to sell that money pit in NY either way. So I will have spent an expensive winter in Florida :)
    If my husband was here now, it would be fine. We would be busy doing what we used to do and the condo would just be fine for us .. but Florida and the condo are not for me. I am alone too much and get lost too easily lol
    I can drive here from NY with cats and manage fine. But I get lost as soon as I go through those condo gates.

  6. Your son and his wife are gems. They love you very much.

  7. Beyondbeige, they are, they truly are. We all love each other very much.


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