It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new.
But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful.
There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.
Alan Cohen
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx
The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.

Thursday, June 16, 2016


Grief, Loss, Anticipation, Anxiety, Nervous, Relaxing, Worry, Thankful, Sad, Happy, Angry...

I lost my husband, he was not sick, a doctor was responsible.
That takes a lot of Time to get over ... to accept and "move on" ..

Everything I knew since I was 21 years old was related in some way to my husband. We were never apart, we were always in love.

Anticipating moving here was nerve-wracking but at least it was Positive.  I worried quite a lot about being able to do it alone. With cats.
I did it, it was easy and while I am proud to have done it, it was only a bit lonely, not hard.

I am always anxious. Since my husband died, I have anxiety over most things, some are really lame.
I am working hard on it. . I am doing better.

I do get nervous over some things and I believe it is reasonable. Like when water starts gushing out of the washing machine when it wasn't even turned on ... like watching the white wall to wall carpet turn into a swamp ... like watching water dripping out of the light fixtures in the den and kitchen downstairs ..

Relaxing ... when the men came to fix the water and told me to Relax, they would fix Everything.
I smiled, I so so appreciated their manner and words but me ? relax ? with gallons of water soaking the ground floor of a condo ? give me a little time on that, would you ?

Yesterday it was announced that the carpets are dry. Everything is fine. Today they will pick up the fans.
I may never do laundry again.

The cats are annoyed. There are wires and hoses everywhere and I am always shooing them away from this and that. Today they are coming to take it all away .. yay ... the cats and I can get down to relaxing again... without machinery...

I know I will worry about it happening again, this happened out of nowhere . But the laundry was the culprit so I will either get new machines or have a laundry service or something.
( go to a stream with a rock and wash my things the old fashioned way)

I lost so much weight, nothing fits ... there is a ray of sunshine in this ... while I have plenty of clothes that I like, I really need to go shopping.  Oh ... what a shame ... pity me ... I wonder if my feet lost weight ? perhaps better fitting shoes too ? oh oh and a handbag ... something Floridian !

I am thankful to my daughter every day for her help. Her advice and her caring and her Being Here for me every day.
And don't forget that son of hers ... that beautiful smiling Viking boy  ... I hit the jackpot with grandsons !

I will live here until my years lease is up and in that time I expect to go house hunting with my girl and see if there is something less grand, large and more cozy that the cats and I can call home.
I like the idea of being just a tiny bit closer to the beaches .. unless that would just make me worry every year when storms start to brew out in the ocean.

I am happy to be here. I am Thankful for everyone who was and is so kind and helpful and I can easily forget those who were deceitful and hateful. They will have a bad thing happen too ... and they probably will not have the good people around them that I had around me.


  1. I am glad that you have support and love. Anxiety is something I deal with everyday. So, I understand your feelings. I say a mantra. All will be well. And it seems to help. Life transitions are difficult.Loss is devastating. This to shall pass is what my mother always says. Finding meaning in the everyday ordinary is a gift I think that helps us move forward. You are on your way. :)

  2. This takes effort, and I am by no means as diligent as I should be. But I find consciously making myself say "Thank you" (to a deity, the world at large, the fates, or whatever or whomever) for any good or beautiful thing that happens, or that I see or even hear of, helps lift my spirits.

  3. I'd fallen behind in my reading here. After the past few days you've had, you're entitled to a big dose of anxiety. Still, it sounds as though you've found a healthy mental path to follow and maybe those anxieties will dry up as well (or almost as well) as your rugs!

  4. I dont think that you realise quite what huge strides you have made over the past couple of years - you have been inspirational in the way that you have coped alone. However, I am now pleased for you that you have your supportive family living so much closer.

  5. I can only imagine your anxiety with water dripping through the ceiling and carpets sloshing under-foot..
    You handled it all so bravely, and in doing so you've made it through another day, you and the cats....bravo.

  6. Marty, my husband opened the Meditation Center in NYC way back in the 60s and while I never really "meditate", I do know ways to sit and relax and get calm.
    But the anxiety that is held down and ignored is the culprit, the anxiety attack in the night when you are not prepared for it ..
    Today the men who were working on the wet walls were sweet, they would stop now and then and show me the progress and give me all kinds of encouragement .. sweet kind men ..

  7. When you start looking, check out Palm Coast. Love it! Beaches, safe communities, wonderful people.

  8. Thanks Jan B ! I will look into it. I also have quite a few friends south of Tampa that I could live near but kind of hate to be that far from the tiny bit of family I have here.
    Good thing I have time to decide whatever .. :)

  9. Oh, my goodness. I would get a little excited too if my washer started spurting water and the rugs got soaked. What a mess. I'm glad it's all cleaned up.

    It will be exciting to look for a new place next year... hopefully one floor. We moved last year and I love being on one floor. I'm not getting any younger. :)


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