It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new.
But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful.
There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.
Alan Cohen
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx
The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.

Friday, March 11, 2016

Now there is just me

Today was a tough one.
I lost friends. I missed them and now they are gone. Of their own free will.
Times change, minds change, friends change, out with the old, in with the new.
I just sit here , it all happens around me ... goodbye .. goodbye ..
I loved you .. you were a good friend...I valued you.

There are days that I miss my husband so much I find it hard to move.
The house move and packing and all the things that have to be remembered and thought of and lists to be written and calls to be made... it overwhelms me and all I can do is wish he was here.

And then there is the fact that when I leave this house .. with its good and terrible memories ... I will leave the last place we lived together .. the last place where I can still see him in my minds eye in those rooms, on that riding lawnmower, grinning like a kid ... that city boy with nothing but glee on his face.

Seeing one of those star filled skies on a summer night and a shooting star ... with his arms wrapped around me to keep me warm, as we stood in the back garden , me leaning back against him as we both looked up ..
We had years together, but it wasn't enough !
We had so many more adventures to go on !

I dream of Buenos Aires and our home and our friends and our neighborhood.
I need to go there. I need to see if it is the same or missing something ... missing him ...
Will somewhere completely new be better, no ghosts, no sadness, no memories in any corner waiting to surprise me and make me stop and take a deep breath.
The cats must think me mad... sitting on the bed with his old sweater, crushed to my face, hoping there is still a tiny scent of him left. It is gone. He is gone.

When things were good, it was impossible to imagine anything could ever not be good.
When things were bad, we knew they would be good again.
Nothing was ever that bad ... little blips that we would have to get around, but as long as we had each other, nothing was too bad or too difficult or too unpleasant.
Now ... things aren't really bad. But they aren't really good.
Small things seem difficult, so many little things come along to upset me, small silly things that wear me down .. out of the blue things that I never expected and then more loss.
When you have a huge loss, there is a day that you take stock of what you have left and you put a lot of value on it .. when you lose something else, it seems bigger, you think How can you keep going, how much can you take ?

We always had friends. We lived in cities where you meet people everywhere and you socialize.
The people that worked for him, his old friends, our new friends, there were always people to see or talk to.

We left them all behind in various cities and countries ... now there is just me.

Tomorrow I will begin to pack boxes again, I will do some laundry of summer/warm weather clothes and pack those in a suitcase. I will get out my shoes and bags for warm weather .. I will figure out exactly how to set the car up with suitcases and a large dog crate, and a litter box.
I will be a Traveling Circus for a few days ..

IF someone would go with me or help me, I will go buy myself a fancy schmancy phone to have on the trip, to take photos and to email.

On The Road ... that will be my book.
A Woman and Her Cats ... soon in a theatre near you.

** I think I should be honest about this "loss" of "friends" .. ***
I was emailed by one and insulted, hurt, cruel things were said, nasty ugly things were said .. I just sat there and wept .. how stupid I must be not to know what false ugly people these are, how my husband always warned me about the man, he never liked that idea that someone who had never met me could be that affectionate .. the man     spoke sweetly and lovingly to me. ( he is gay, not sweet talking me in that way) The woman who I always thought a lot of , admired for being so strong and liking dogs as much as she does. Obviously, she has a lot more care about dogs than she does humans .. at least this human.
I would defend these people when someone said something negative about them. Go figure.
So this is another reason , to listen to what my husband said ... go ahead and be friendly but never think these people are really your friends.  And boy was he right.


  1. I understand. Lost my husband of 37 years 2 years ago. Still unsure what to do, living in a too big house. Hard to make decisions. But when something feels right, I go with it. So far, that has worked. Good luck to you. There will be people along the way to help you.

    Jan in PDX

  2. Picturing the traveling circus of the woman and her cats. :)

    I wish for you what sometimes worked for me. Sometimes--although I never was trying to absorb the death of a husband--the simple act of moving myself from one place to another (far away, different scenery, different routine), offered a sort of break in emotions. For some reason, that allowed me to put in place a little bit of the past.

    Hope your drive south opens that kind of door for you. Mary

  3. Mary, Thank you so much. I totally believe that I will have a better view on life and feel better and be lighter , away from here. I love it here. This house is full of memories and the area is so beautiful, it is difficult .. we dreamt of being here. I hate to leave but I can't wait to leave.
    Just not to be alone for weeks on end will be good.
    Not to look out the window at a beautiful sight but someone is always missing from the picture.
    Not to worry all the time. I want to be light hearted again.
    Thank you .. so very much. I am glad you found my blog :)

  4. Anony, you know you have my condolences .. I am so sorry. By the time you hit that 37th anniversary, you are looking at being one of those loved up old couples that you see and admire for being in love and married so long. That was me. I thought it would always be like that .. I never expected it to happen so suddenly or soon .. I am sorry that has happened to you too.

  5. Loneliness and loss - those are hard emotions to bear. And now you are moving, which will be both a distraction and more of the same. Be kind to yourself. Time is your friend now. It will get better in time as you slowly but surely build a new life. I am so sorry for your loss. I hope writing helps.

  6. Thank you dear, The more I think about it, the less of a loss the friends are. They were not nice. Which might have been a sign of me thinking someone was more of a friend than they were.
    Big changes will continue to come along .. happiness should be among them .. love you . C

  7. Colette, I have family and quite a few friends living in Florida. I seriously doubt I will be as isolated and lonely as I am here .
    Thank you so much .. you know, writing does help.

  8. My husband and I have been married for forty six years, I can't imagine life without him...
    I wish you brighter days, filled with many friends, and memories of your wonderful and loving husband.
    I think he would want you to be happy, and I can't help but imagine he'll be guiding you along the way.

  9. A Brit , don't even try to imagine it. Just hang on tight and think only of how much you love him.
    Thank you for the good wishes, yes, he always only wanted me to be happy. I will try as hard as I can.
    hugs to you too ..

  10. Just sending hugs. If I could I'd be on a plane tomorrow, help with that packing, help with that drive. I keep you in my thoughts.

  11. Oh heti, wouldn't that be fun ? you me and the cats even if you never drove, we would giggle all the way to Florida :)

  12. Whoo hoo!!! Road trip. I love road trips. If my passport was current (bugger...let it expire) I'd volunteer, except I'd prob drive you crazy cause I stop and take in the view alot and drive off the main hwy alot. Thks to GPS Maps.
    Have fun... I envy you - the trip. Not so much the destination.

  13. Kathy, you might fun off the road a lot but I think I would be too weak from laughter to care.
    Thank you .. yeah, I am going to the land of Early Bird Dinners LOL
    Except I am looking at posh apts with ocean views ... la dee da.


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