Today was a tough one.
I lost friends. I missed them and now they are gone. Of their own free will.
Times change, minds change, friends change, out with the old, in with the new.
I just sit here , it all happens around me ... goodbye .. goodbye ..
I loved you .. you were a good friend...I valued you.
There are days that I miss my husband so much I find it hard to move.
The house move and packing and all the things that have to be remembered and thought of and lists to be written and calls to be made... it overwhelms me and all I can do is wish he was here.
And then there is the fact that when I leave this house .. with its good and terrible memories ... I will leave the last place we lived together .. the last place where I can still see him in my minds eye in those rooms, on that riding lawnmower, grinning like a kid ... that city boy with nothing but glee on his face.
Seeing one of those star filled skies on a summer night and a shooting star ... with his arms wrapped around me to keep me warm, as we stood in the back garden , me leaning back against him as we both looked up ..
We had years together, but it wasn't enough !
We had so many more adventures to go on !
I dream of Buenos Aires and our home and our friends and our neighborhood.
I need to go there. I need to see if it is the same or missing something ... missing him ...
Will somewhere completely new be better, no ghosts, no sadness, no memories in any corner waiting to surprise me and make me stop and take a deep breath.
The cats must think me mad... sitting on the bed with his old sweater, crushed to my face, hoping there is still a tiny scent of him left. It is gone. He is gone.
When things were good, it was impossible to imagine anything could ever not be good.
When things were bad, we knew they would be good again.
Nothing was ever that bad ... little blips that we would have to get around, but as long as we had each other, nothing was too bad or too difficult or too unpleasant.
Now ... things aren't really bad. But they aren't really good.
Small things seem difficult, so many little things come along to upset me, small silly things that wear me down .. out of the blue things that I never expected and then more loss.
When you have a huge loss, there is a day that you take stock of what you have left and you put a lot of value on it .. when you lose something else, it seems bigger, you think How can you keep going, how much can you take ?
We always had friends. We lived in cities where you meet people everywhere and you socialize.
The people that worked for him, his old friends, our new friends, there were always people to see or talk to.
We left them all behind in various cities and countries ... now there is just me.
Tomorrow I will begin to pack boxes again, I will do some laundry of summer/warm weather clothes and pack those in a suitcase. I will get out my shoes and bags for warm weather .. I will figure out exactly how to set the car up with suitcases and a large dog crate, and a litter box.
I will be a Traveling Circus for a few days ..
IF someone would go with me or help me, I will go buy myself a fancy schmancy phone to have on the trip, to take photos and to email.
On The Road ... that will be my book.
A Woman and Her Cats ... soon in a theatre near you.
** I think I should be honest about this "loss" of "friends" .. ***
I was emailed by one and insulted, hurt, cruel things were said, nasty ugly things were said .. I just sat there and wept .. how stupid I must be not to know what false ugly people these are, how my husband always warned me about the man, he never liked that idea that someone who had never met me could be that affectionate .. the man spoke sweetly and lovingly to me. ( he is gay, not sweet talking me in that way) The woman who I always thought a lot of , admired for being so strong and liking dogs as much as she does. Obviously, she has a lot more care about dogs than she does humans .. at least this human.
I would defend these people when someone said something negative about them. Go figure.
So this is another reason , to listen to what my husband said ... go ahead and be friendly but never think these people are really your friends. And boy was he right.