It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new.
But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful.
There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.
Alan Cohen
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx
The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.

Saturday, August 15, 2015

Fingers Crossed

I never thought selling this house would be so hard .... on me ... emotionally.
I realized, lying in bed at night, that when I move, I will get into the same bed, in a different room, where there are no memories of getting into that bed in that room with someone I loved.
Someone who loved me. Oh sure, I have cats littered all over the bed but it isn't the same.
I will feel my loss all over again.
As I still do at the oddest times , at the most mundane times... it is as if something is waiting around the corner and I walk right into it ... that pain is as fresh as the day everything changed. I hear the same sounds, voices, feel that same smothering panic feeling that I have to remember to breathe.
And then that stillness.

I try not to dwell on those moments and while I remember him every day and have a gazillion memories to do me for the rest of my life, sometimes one of those memories comes sneaking up behind me and just smashes into me and I am flattened.

Today was hard. I had to do things he always did and he did it like breathing.
I do it like a dog learning to type.
He had such great sense .. of everything. He just Knew.

I don't.

Thankfully, I have a realtor who is patient beyond belief and she will walk me through the steps that need to be taken, calls and allows me to weep if I want or we just laugh and chat like old friends.

I barely know what I am doing, I rely on her quite a lot and I pray that everything will go according to plan .
I want to have a fire in the fireplace and bake apple pies and plan gardens and decide where to hang pictures and which room will have what rug and where should I put everything ? ..
This will be my first home ... alone.

The cats will be enchanted. There is that glassed/screened-in porch with a heater and carpet and a soft sofa will be out there ( maybe) and we will all be cozy.

Most moves I plan decorating.
This one, the garden is foremost in my mind.
I drive by a house up here that has a "forest" of sunflowers and giant daisies and it is so cheerful looking.
I plan on filling big barrels with flowers and pots by the steps and along the side of the house.
Morning glories will be planted ( the ones I planted here are laughing and screaming .... blue, so blue)
But until that time comes, I daydream a lot, tell the cats about it ... Merlin fell asleep in the middle of the part about the kitchen needing a dishwasher ... Minette is better at pretending to care.
But even she had trouble controlling her yawns.

Fingers crossed ! I am not sure what I will do with myself if this doesn't go through .. Probably Florida.


  1. Have you got a buyer for your house? Hope it works out for you.

  2. My fingers are crossed right along with you! FL is a great place to visit. :)

  3. What about moving to Florida ? will it be as good as a visit ? :)

  4. Wishing you a smooth transition, and that you land in the place that will be best for you.


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