I never thought selling this house would be so hard .... on me ... emotionally.
I realized, lying in bed at night, that when I move, I will get into the same bed, in a different room, where there are no memories of getting into that bed in that room with someone I loved.
Someone who loved me. Oh sure, I have cats littered all over the bed but it isn't the same.
I will feel my loss all over again.
As I still do at the oddest times , at the most mundane times... it is as if something is waiting around the corner and I walk right into it ... that pain is as fresh as the day everything changed. I hear the same sounds, voices, feel that same smothering panic feeling that I have to remember to breathe.
And then that stillness.
I try not to dwell on those moments and while I remember him every day and have a gazillion memories to do me for the rest of my life, sometimes one of those memories comes sneaking up behind me and just smashes into me and I am flattened.
Today was hard. I had to do things he always did and he did it like breathing.
I do it like a dog learning to type.
He had such great sense .. of everything. He just Knew.
Thankfully, I have a realtor who is patient beyond belief and she will walk me through the steps that need to be taken, calls and allows me to weep if I want or we just laugh and chat like old friends.
I barely know what I am doing, I rely on her quite a lot and I pray that everything will go according to plan .
I want to have a fire in the fireplace and bake apple pies and plan gardens and decide where to hang pictures and which room will have what rug and where should I put everything ? ..
This will be my first home ... alone.
The cats will be enchanted. There is that glassed/screened-in porch with a heater and carpet and a soft sofa will be out there ( maybe) and we will all be cozy.
Most moves I plan decorating.
This one, the garden is foremost in my mind.
I drive by a house up here that has a "forest" of sunflowers and giant daisies and it is so cheerful looking.
I plan on filling big barrels with flowers and pots by the steps and along the side of the house.
Morning glories will be planted ( the ones I planted here are laughing and screaming .... blue, so blue)
But until that time comes, I daydream a lot, tell the cats about it ... Merlin fell asleep in the middle of the part about the kitchen needing a dishwasher ... Minette is better at pretending to care.
But even she had trouble controlling her yawns.
Fingers crossed ! I am not sure what I will do with myself if this doesn't go through .. Probably Florida.