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My husband and I , with our dog, Tate, moved to Buenos Aires.. Life has never been the same since ~ Back in the USA ... life is still not the same !
It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new.
But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful.
There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.
Alan Cohen
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx
The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.

Thursday, March 12, 2015

You Are Going To Make It

When a woman loses her husband, she does not lose her mind too.
Well, some do for a short time, grief will do that to you, but she has not lost all sense and well, her brains !

There is a "mourning" period for a reason ... it is the time where loved ones are able to spend the time grieving, missing, getting used to loss ( if that is ever possible) and adjusting to their new reality.
Depending on the closeness of the couple, when one is gone, the other has to deal with the feeling of a loss of self .. the Other Half .

They have to begin again, on their own, no one to ask for opinions, choices, good/bad idea ?
Some might appreciate that, now they can do whatever they want. Eat whatever they want .. watch whatever they want on tv .. sleep in the middle of the bed.

Then there are those who try to continue to do what they did when there was 2 of them. Sleep on your side of the bed, leave his pillow there .. Watch the television shows you watched together, continue to think What would he do or say.

This is also a time when family and friends are tested.
True friends will be there .. they will    bring things that are helpful, tasty, comforting, just be there. They won't tell you to Stop talking about it, it will make you feel worse.

The truth is, talking about it is comforting.

A good friend will understand, even when they don't really understand, only those who have been through it really understand.

Time ... that is what works.
I know I wanted to take a magic pill and sleep for a couple of years and wake with good memories and no pain.
It has been a year, I have not reached that point yet but some things are less painful, I don't embarrass myself by weeping on the shoulder of a stranger working in a market.

I often feel frightened.
I am not sure of myself in many ways.
I am not secure feeling .. my source of security died.  I am a little adrift.

Some people mourn along with me, some want to get on with life and not be sad ( I wish for that too) and some get impatient ... why are you so sad ??

And for some people who have lost a loved one,   there are those who take advantage.
They tell them what to do if it benefits them.
They assure that things will be alright while they give advice that possibly might benefit them.
Someone who has suffered such a loss, should remember that old adage, don't make any big decisions for at least a year.


I guess the good news is .. and it is so corny ... Time Heals. It really does.

There will come a day when you realize that you haven't wept once all day, that you did something that was scary ( banking , car service ) and you did it like a champ !
You made decisions and they were good ones.

You lost your mate. You are alone.
But you are not a weakling or a wimp ( unless there is a huge spider in the kitchen ) and you can make big decisions.

You are going to make it.






13 comments:

Anonymous said...

It sounds like "the process" is moving along. You are so very brave to share your journey.
Orangetravelcat

Razmataz said...

It is a sign of how much you loved your husband.

I think you should go to Michaels and buy some cheap canvas and paints and start painting. Even if you think you have no talent, start putting paint on canvas. It is very healing.

Anonymous said...

I don't think you realise what a wonder you are, what an inspiration and a comfort to those of us who have not yet made that journey, and to many who are on the same journey through grief that you are.
You have moved half a world away and back, lost half of you, survived two horror winters, several large spiders, and still you post, your courage, your humour, shining through every little story of your life and your new journey.
You have innumerable admirers who have come to love you over the years of following you.
It is good to know the journey is continuing, and getting a little easier for you. Keep going on your new adventure, and please, keep sharing it with the rest of us.
Heti

NotesFromAbroad said...

Ramataz, photography has been helping some but it is so cold out. A thousand photos of one cute kitten is my portfolio right now lol

Heti, you have to stop saying such nice things, you make me cry. Thank you. Writing is good therapy for me .. the kitten yawns and walks away if I try to tell her my stories. Thank you thank you thank you.

angiemanzi said...

You are so brave. I don't think I will ever be that courageous. Thank you for airing your feelings in such an open forum.

Barbara said...

Thank you for sharing your thoughts. My sister lost her husband several years ago & is still struggling to see any future without her partner. Knowing you are not going through this debilitating experience alone can only help others so thank you & I sincerely hope all the wonderful memories you shared with your husband help in your healing. When considering your new pup Soft coated Wheaten Terriers are wonderful dogs & make lovely companions.

Barbara

Mary said...

Candice, you have been, and are very brave! I do think keeping your blog going has been a good way for you to share your pain since losing your dear husband. You are an excellent writer, you have made me think a lot about how I would fare in this situation should it happen. WE actually talked about it this morning while I cooked breakfast for him - both agreeing we wouldn't quite know what to do without the other. BUT, I promised I would not be a wimp if left behind - he would want that. I would hope I could be brave like you, but without the snow!

We will be heading to Washington D.C. this month to celebrate 50 years together. There have been blips, many up and downs, good and bad times. . . . . but we've made it and pray it continues!

I pray for you, hoping this new phase of your life will become easier - I know that's what he'd want for you my dear. Stay strong, do what's best for YOU!
Hugs - Mary

Anonymous said...

I have just spent quite a bit of time back-reading your blog...back to the point where you moved back to the U.S. I have to say, your story has touched my heart, as my husband and I will be married 43 years next week. We too live in the country, at the edge of the ocean in the Eastern part of Canada, and have just been through the worst winter in either of our memories. I do not know if I would have been as brave as you. I do applaud your husband for his foresight in buying a Subaru. I too rely on my husband to drive in the snow and for so, so many uncountable things..like snuggling. You reminded me of all this. And of the loss of our beloved dog 6 years ago.

We too have our house for sale and want to move to the small town close to us where our daughter, son-in-law and grandchildren live. It will not be Buenos Aires (although they did live in the Dominican Republic for a time) but at least if one of us is ever alone, they will be within walking distance and where I could call a taxi if I needed to.

You are doing very well, and this blog thing...writing of any kind will be cathartic for you. And so many of us will keep reading.
Kindest regards,
Lm in Canada


NotesFromAbroad said...

LM .. thank you so very much.
Mary, its funny, I never feel brave.
Barbara, my husband had a client who had a Wheaton and that dog was her child. And what a soft nice little dog, I will keep that in mind, thanks !
angie, I don't feel brave at all :) thank you.

Anonymous said...

One never feels bravery. It is lived and then realized by the observers.

NotesFromAbroad said...

Wonderful Anony, thank you for that .

canada said...

I think you are brave too, you've forged on alone (aside from Minette) although I know none of this was by choice.

But your happiness (relief?) at Spring's first signs does show a person who wants to enjoy life despite it's terrible hardships. I lost close friends decades ago now and still think about them most every day - but now with warmth and happiest memories rather than the raw hurt that played me the first years in.

Don't let the warmer months dissuade you from finding a better suited place for you both to spend next winter! Bonne chance!

NotesFromAbroad said...


Canada, thank you. Today when I drove to the market, past fields waiting to grow something and horses and dairy cows and the sheep up the hill at the farm, I thought how they must be so happy when the days get longer and warmer. That is their life .. standing out in the weather every day. Yes, I now think about how the sheep think.
Winter has been too long.

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