It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new.
But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful.
There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.
Alan Cohen
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx
The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.

Thursday, March 26, 2015

It's the Small Things

In the past year and few months, I have managed to learn to live alone.
A bit old for that wasn't I ?
But I married when I was 21 ... I never really had to be alone.
I had girlfriends, boyfriends, family ...

And when we met, that was it.
We were never apart from that day on.Well, in those very beginning days, maybe 2 weeks I slept in my own bed .. but then .. I moved in with him and that was that .. for 40 + years.

We were together when I became "legal" .. I know, I laughed when I wrote it.

In so many ways, he taught me everything I know.
He sort of taught me how to think about things but that was more by example, he was one of those people who was supremely confident and had such good sense not to mention being freaking smart.
He had a wicked sense of humor but he was kind.

I try to remember things that he said or did and apply them to the way I try to manage things alone.
It isn't easy.

I have this Fear ... a fear of getting something wrong.
Like the men in uniforms will drag me out of the house and put me away,  if I filed something on the wrong day or didn't fill out the right form.

Today was a good example.
I got our car inspected.
The registration is not here yet, just the temporary.
So I just have to show them and they will give me my sticker.

But the meltdown when I got home and realized that the registration was not here yet, because I made such a mess of filing it out ... and sending it in later than I should have .. was epic.

This always happens and someone with a calm voice will reassure me that it is OK and just give them the form when I get it in the mail.
But that doesn't help.

I effed up .

So I came home and there is nothing to eat.
It is pouring rain and cold out , so I thought I would make popcorn.
It is that buttered crap so it smoked the entire kitchen... windows had to be opened, cats had to be shooed out of the room and my sofa smells like a movie theatre now.

So I ate 3 cinnamon rolls.
My heart is now racing from inhaling butter smoke and eating all that sugar.

So nothing really big and awful happened today but I feel like it did.


  1. My sister was just here and she was telling me that she screwed something up (similar to your situation) and now she will have to hear about it ENDLESSLY from my brother in law.

    So look at the bright side. No one has to know what you did....other than all of us.


  2. If "he" taught you to pick up the pieces and carry on, you learned the lesson well. If you are carrying on so capably by your innate fortitude, that is even better. Wherever the lessons of capability and resilience came from, you are sharing them here by your example.

  3. Aww. Phil .. it is sort of comforting in a way to know that Everyone knows I screwed up .. yes, the bright side lol

    Rainbows .. Thank you .. that is so kind of you !
    I am afraid it is just a matter of muddling along because no one will let me just lie down and not get up :)

  4. This will make you feel better:

    Theo and Beau....


  5. Oh my dear Candice...
    You are doing great...
    Don't be so hard on yourself...
    Not sure how I would ever handle all the paperwork, either...
    God forbid...
    Gosh...I wish I could have a cup of tea and a cinnamon roll with you...
    Oh...the stories we could share♥️
    Know what you mean about the popcorn smell!!
    Best way, is to put the darn burnt bag outside!!
    Sending hugs...
    Linda :o)

  6. I was alone for most of my formative years (in that I wasn't part of a steady couple), and yet I know I would be so lost if I lost my husband...he's taken on so many of the administrative tasks I never liked anyway (who really does?), and if I had to do them once again, I think I might put my head in the sand and hibernate for five years or so...

    So my take is that you are exactly where you need to be. Mistakes are part of life, and happen no matter our age or relationship status. You are human...welcome to the club!! Lovely to have you with us :-).

  7. Thank you Vivian, it does help to know that it isn't just me ... I still want to bury my head in the sand and hibernate though.
    Thank you though, love you.

    Linda .. thank you.. I just get so annoyed with being so helpless/hopeless/brainless sometimes.
    I want so badly to be efficient and together ..
    I put a cup of water with cinnamon in it into the micro and let it cook for a few minutes then wiped down the insides, it smells fine again. phew !

  8. I, like you, met my husband at a young age and we were married at 22.we are married nearly 40 years. He also takes care of some many of normal tasks of living that I too would be completely lost and befuddled trying to navigate it all on my own.I think you are doing a remarkable job standing on your own and learning how to figure things out.

  9. I'm sorry you had a bad day. I hate days like that and it is so frustrating to get something that seems like it should be so simple screwed up but we all have days like that.

    I don't comment often. I love your blog and look forward to hearing about your upcoming adventure-deciding where to go and moving! I'm in Southern California. The weather is great but the crowds are terrible! You can walk your future rescue pup in the sun though and everyone is friendly when you aren't walking a dog!

    Have a good weekend.

  10. I meant everyone is friendly when you are walking a dog! 😀

  11. Teacups, the best thing to do that would be a sort of insurance for that sort of thing would be to start learning how your husband does things, so if you ever had to do it yourself, you would have a clue.
    I still don't , I have to call someone and ask. I remember the first time I had to pay the bills, I paid one twice .. oh well :)

    Anony, I lived in Ca before moving to NY. Hollywood Hills .. San Francisco. I was originally from San Diego. Many years ago ~
    My friends and family are here so here I must stay .
    When we had our Standard Poodle, it was difficult sometimes to take a walk, we were stopped so many times for someone to kiss and pet him.
    He was a Good Boy. U want another one.


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