In the past year and few months, I have managed to learn to live alone.
A bit old for that wasn't I ?
But I married when I was 21 ... I never really had to be alone.
I had girlfriends, boyfriends, family ...
And when we met, that was it.
We were never apart from that day on.Well, in those very beginning days, maybe 2 weeks I slept in my own bed .. but then .. I moved in with him and that was that .. for 40 + years.
We were together when I became "legal" .. I know, I laughed when I wrote it.
In so many ways, he taught me everything I know.
He sort of taught me how to think about things but that was more by example, he was one of those people who was supremely confident and had such good sense not to mention being freaking smart.
He had a wicked sense of humor but he was kind.
I try to remember things that he said or did and apply them to the way I try to manage things alone.
It isn't easy.
I have this Fear ... a fear of getting something wrong.
Like the men in uniforms will drag me out of the house and put me away, if I filed something on the wrong day or didn't fill out the right form.
Today was a good example.
I got our car inspected.
The registration is not here yet, just the temporary.
So I just have to show them and they will give me my sticker.
But the meltdown when I got home and realized that the registration was not here yet, because I made such a mess of filing it out ... and sending it in later than I should have .. was epic.
This always happens and someone with a calm voice will reassure me that it is OK and just give them the form when I get it in the mail.
But that doesn't help.
I effed up .
So I came home and there is nothing to eat.
It is pouring rain and cold out , so I thought I would make popcorn.
It is that buttered crap so it smoked the entire kitchen... windows had to be opened, cats had to be shooed out of the room and my sofa smells like a movie theatre now.
So I ate 3 cinnamon rolls.
My heart is now racing from inhaling butter smoke and eating all that sugar.
So nothing really big and awful happened today but I feel like it did.