It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new.
But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful.
There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.
Alan Cohen
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."
Groucho Marx
The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.

Friday, December 20, 2013

The Person He Thought I Was

Two months.
It seems like Two years .
Then I think that it will be Ten and then Twenty and so on and he won't be back.
If it were not the knowing that people endure this everywhere, every day ,  always ... I would just lie down and not get up. 
But they did it. They got up. They ate and worked and talked and lived.
My husband loved me. 
He always thought of me and what made me happy. 
He did his best, all the years we were married, to make me happy. To show his love for me . 
I will honor him and show my love by not turning into some wimp that he would not have liked, some crybaby that would have made him cringe, some weak person that he never would have been interested in. 
He used to say he admired me, he thought I was smart, he loved me. 
I will remember that.
I will remember everything and I will be the person he thought I was . 
I loved him.
I won't let him down. 
But I sure do miss him.



  1. Gail, in northern CaliforniaDecember 21, 2013 at 1:43 AM

    "The Person He Thought I Was" write so well, so beautifully. I wish I shared your optimism.

    David made me feel pretty, he made me feel smart, he made me feel loved like no one else can.

    SUCH a handsome man, even at 73. You should have seen him in his 30's. My, oh my. He wasn't a womanizer but women adored him, at every age, and he could still make my heart flutter after 43 years together.

    There are times when I think, "I can't do this. If this is the way I'll spend the rest of my life, I'm done." It's exhausting, pretending 24/7 when at any given moment you could scream.

    It's but one foot in front of the other. Nothing whatsoever to do with bravery. I know eventually I will be stronger because I will have endured this crushing depression somehow.

    I have just spent over five hours with support trying to get my e-mail up and running again. David would have had it fixed in two seconds.

  2. My friend lost her husband last Christmas. She told me the other day that grief is work. Very hard work. You are a hard worker and your husband would be proud of you.

  3. Dear one, it was hard to write on your Thurs. post - the birthdays, anniversaries etc. are going to be the difficult days always. I'm glad you will have good memories though.

    Two months does not seem possible, but for you it must seem even longer. I'm so proud of you though, and of course your dear man is too, seeing you rise each day to face the world, still a brave and forthright woman, capable and strong.

    Know we care about you, even though it seems strange having never met. Perhaps some day we will. Meanwhile, be with your children and the sweet baby, they are important at this time of year especially.

    Thinking of you - take care in the snow - make Christmas memories in a new way - he would want you to do that I'm sure.

    Warm hugs - Mary

  4. Am I understanding this correctly? If so, I am so profoundly sorry. What you have written is beautiful.

    What can one ever say to another at a time like this? It's awful, lonely, terrible, terrifying. . .


  5. He thought of you with love and love understands everything without judgment. There are moments of bravery and moments of defeat. My Beloved was the love of my life, my first and last love, life with him was akin to a dream I never wanted to wake up from, even when things were difficult as he became ill. His last gift to me arrived after he was gone, an iPad with the inscription "You are the angel glow that lights a star" and my heart broke and came alive at the same time.

    Your husband thought of you as brave and strong, but it takes courage to allow the pain to find us and for us to surrender. I no longer try to hide from it, it is a worthless task and the time and effort that takes to find the way to avoid the pain and loneliness I find it better spent in letting myself be. "Give time to time" my nana taught us "in time we always find a way to survive", and for me some times the tears are the best way to find a place for "us", because no matter what, those who loved and were loved will always be "us", and the memories will see those of us left behind through.

    I hope nothing less for you.

    The cost of a thing is the amount of life that must be exchanged for it.
    -Henry David Thoreau


  6. Every thing is going to be alright.

  7. Your post brought tears to my eyes. I just discovered you and have enjoy traveling with you on your journey through this thing called “LIFE". I wish you all the best.


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